Entire Men's Skeleton Team Chicked in First Race

(We've been sending out these mock press-releases about our various team-building activities on tour. Well, mock as in they aren't real releases, but real in the fact that we are really doing this stuff. Enjoy!)

Entire Men's Skeleton Team Chicked in First Race of the Season

Winterberg, Germany – The US Intercontinental Cup Skeleton Team began their season this week, racing on the most adrenalin pumping Go-Kart course they had ever seen. Matt Antoine (Prairie Du Chien, WI) and Stokes Aitken (Salt Lake City, UT) were the heavy favorites going into the event, though Caleb Smith (Lake Placid, NY) and Coach Orville Garrett (Mt. Washington, MA) were doing some thick smack talking themselves.

In a surprise upset, none of the favorites came through; it was Keslie Tomlinson (Potomac Falls, VA) who emerged victorious, with a blazing fastest lap time of 44.17 seconds.

The Americans arrived at the venue after a gloomy rainy day in Winterberg, braced for the most grueling indoor Kart course in Europe. "The team has trained hard all summer for this, and hopefully it will pay off" said their coach shortly before the event.

Of her victory, Tomlinson first gave props to her crew. "It was a great day of racing, and I know that without my pit crew being on the ball, it couldn't have happened. Some people have questioned my superior engine, but I was just lucky in choosing the best Kart available." She also sent a shout out to fellow women drivers. "This is just proof that Danica Patrick should go to NASCAR. "

Antoine finished in second place, with a fastest lap of 44.51 seconds, and seemed bitter about his defeat. "I feel that I could have won the race, but due to the whack-ass starting formation, I was at a severe handicap."

Aitken, in third place (44.57), was initially speechless when asked to comment on his blazing defeat, by a chick. "I feel ultimately responsbile for being chicked, I take full blame, there are no excuses for me giving her my lines. I just felt obligated to help her, being such a gentleman, unfortunately it bit me in the ass. But like the Canadian coach Duff Gibson says, 'it doesn't matter who has the lines, it's who executes them.'"

Smith (45.01) finished close behind in 4th place , blaming it "on the al-al-al-al-al-alco-.........tannins." (The athletes agreed afterward that alcohol levels should have been checked prior to the race.)

Coach Garrett (45.84) also participated in the event, hoping to maintain his standings with the team after his earlier victories in the Badminton Tournament. His 5th place finish, however, wasn't what he had hoped. "After realizing that my Kart was too loose going in and too tight coming out of corners, I knew I was in for a tough day. Unfortunately the sway bar couldn't handle the body roll that my gut was creating. Still, in the end I'd like to thank all my sponsors: Corona, Veltins, Corcorans, Irish Red, Skol, Copenhagen, OTB, the St. Moritz Casino, and of course, PBR."

Annie O'Shea (Port Jefferson, NY) had her eye on last place, kindly cheering and waving on the other athletes, but ended up losing that position in a bitter battle with Kimber Gabryszak (Yentna Station, AK). "When she refused to pass me on a particularly wide and slow corner, I knew I had some work to do" said Gabryszak. At the next sharp turn, she spun a 360 and drifted into a corner; O'Shea was not able to stop quickly enough and flew past (45.93). "Truthfully, Kimber just went too slow for me to stay behind her, so I saw my goal slipping away. Maybe next time." About her last place finish, Gabryszak (46.29) said she was "simply too distracted spinning donuts to remember there was a race going on."

All in all, it was a momentous day in history. "Let this go down as the day Mr. Formula One, Matt Antoine himself, got chicked." said Tomlinson.

This email was sent by the members of the Intercontinental Cup Skeleton Team., a member of the US Olympic committee. Our contact information is:



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